I saw my first shooting star and it got me thinking

Stars are fusion factories held together by their own gravity. They are born by fusing hydrogen to helium, and then they keep going on and on, fusing heavier and heavier elements until they're fusing the heaviest of stuff. Eventually, they exhaust their fuel and collapse under their own weight, blowing off their outer layers, showering the galaxy with all these random elements.

Some of which are eventually used to create life.

I saw a shooting star recently. It got me thinking about love. 

How do you place that feeling when you look across a room and feel instantly drawn to someone? How do you characterise that feeling you get when you are on a date and you're showered with wave of calm but somehow also excitement? That knowing when you look into their eyes and feel like you're about to embark on an adventure, whilst simultaneously returning home. Where do you feel love?

Love feels like the colour blue. A wash of calm in the middle of my ribcage. It's awfully close to where I feel anxiety (a heavy, burnt orange hurricane in the middle of my chest). Impossible to feel one without the other, but I really hope one day that changes. 

I saw a shooting star recently. It got me thinking about love. 

The amazing thing is that every atom in our bodies came from a star that exploded. We are all stardust. Our elemental makeup - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, and whatever the fuck else was needed for our evolution - was not created at the beginning of time. It was forged in the nuclear furnaces of stars who were kind enough to explode so now we get to be here. And eat mangoes. And drink wine. And try our best to be really really lovely to each other. (though god knows I've failed miserably at times).

Love is stardust. 

It feels like magic.

And it makes this whole world feels like magic.

There's magic inside every stone. every flower. every bird. every spider. every frog. every piece of slightly burnt pancake your overworked mum makes you. 

There's a magic in the trees. the sand. the hills. the rivers. the rocks.

It's hidden the sea, in the wind, in the laughter of your favourite people.

Love is stardust - a deep, wild magic that's as old as this universe itself.

I felt that magic most when you used to look at me and I got to look back at you, and the world felt beating and still at the same time. 

I want to thank you for showing me a love that made me so happy it made my heart burst like the stars do in the end. A love that felt like it could light up the whole universe. A love so wonderful that as I watched stardust falling from the sky, I forgot how much life used to hurt. Even if just for a second. 

I felt it when

Lorde said I’ve never felt more alone, it feels so scary getting old.

Keane said I’m getting old, I need someone to rely on.

Pixies said your head will collapse if there's nothing in it and you'll ask yourself, where is my mind?

Both my dogs are now dead. I miss them so much.

I miss my best friend who is no longer my best friend. 

i think a lot about how i didn't have a voice 

and i think a lot about how instead of shattering my silence

you grew around it, so seamlessly

i was wilting and you didn't care

what are we?

two friendly strangers living next to each other?

two heartbeats connected by nothing but the fact that we are both here. right now. we exist together. but so separately 

in a house that sometimes feels more like a dumping ground for all the things we've mindlessly collected over the past 5 years. 

the skeleton of a home 

i'm so fucking angry at you

i hate that i can't voice it and i hate how much i've cried over this and i hate that i still have so much love for you and i hate that i allow people to mistreat me and all i know to do is to offer my dilapidated heart and say please let me keep loving you anyways i really fucking hate it

i hate that you stayed friends with my rapist

I spend my 25th birthday with canceled plans. Window shades down. Hungover. Crying in my room. 

I try my best to contain what feels like a thunderstorm. In between sleep and wake, I utter a prayer to the universe. 

could you please, god, please be gentle with me. i know the world is breaking. i know people have and will face far more than i ever can fathom. i ask you, with so much privilege, to please be gentle with me anyways. 

I spent the earlier part of 2022 in Malaysia. In the Penang heat, I watched ice cream melt into the pavement. There was something hypnotic about the dissolve. How seamlessly it softened into the ground. How safe it must feel, to relax into something so harmoniously. I was jealous.

I wake to the beating sound of my heart. My chest hurts. 

Grief is hard to go through alone. It's tainted my life in a way that I experience the present like a memory. An echo of reality. I feel like I'm constantly reaching out for something I can't quite name, but I'll know it when I feel it. 

Despite it all, though, I know I can manage. 

A reminder to self:

Perish the pain. Stare into the light for as long as you can manage. Stare into long, long nights. Take in the last breath of May. Elastic. Temperamental. Fleeting, like everything else in life. Howling and still. 

Then dust off your smile. 

At the end of the day, the heart is a muscle. Pain means you're using it. 

You're alive.

 

X, 

alysha. now 25. always still learning.

  

Masters and life innit

Hi squirrels!

Here's a fun bit of trivia - some Americans pronounce squirrels "squirrls". That really shit fucks me up (in a good way). Is that what a word is meant to sound like? They also call sidewalks pavements and spell colour without the U (although apparently this was because of a marketing thing - back in the good ol' days when companies used to post ads in the newspapers they used to get charged by the letter, so marketing execs. got the U in colour to fuck off to save $$$. Or maybe just $, it was only 1 letter after all.) ((This fun fact is sponsored by my year 9 history teacher, Mr. Stock))

Anyways, recently I've been exposed to a lot more Americans. Actually, recently I've been exposed to a lot more people in general...that's right ladies, gents, non-binary ppl, & government agent monitoring me: I've started my masters! WOOOOOO.

There are many things to consider when on the topic of my masters, so for your (a.k.a future Alysha reading this because - let's face it - no one reads this blog) convenience, I've decided to make an F.A.Q!

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What is your MA in?

Producing for film and tv

2. How's it going so far?

Everyone is very smart and has incredible film && industry knowledge. Meanwhile my claim to fame was starring in my y12 Macbeth production where my only line was "Macbeth." So it's going FAB.

3. How are the people?

They are amazing and very smart and most of them older than me. Very international - most of them are American. Some of them are European. 3 of us are Asian. It's almost like a smaller scale representation of Hollywood. 

4. Do you want to be a producer?

I want to make money doing something that isn't an amazon commercial, yes.

5. So you've given up on acting?

No, I've actually just signed to a new agent! And my course is only 2 days a week so that leaves the other five days for me to do actor-y things like stroking my own ego, constantly seeking validation from my friends and foes, crying at the insecurity that permeates my very being, and furiously masturbating to the thought of myself winning an Oscar. Oh and I got new headshots. 

6....how's your mental health?

Not to be dramatic but sometimes in class I have moments of complete derealisation/ depersonalisation and I feel like nothing is real and this reality is all a dream and I'm not real either and this whole life is just happening in my head. Most times I think about my lunch and how good it's gonna taste.  

7. Are you enjoying your course?

It's very challenging and makes me feel incredibly driven. I've not yet gotten the hang of it but I've already learnt a lot!

8. Are you enjoying your life?

Honestly, this is the most I've been enjoying it in a year. 

9. Are you happy?

Yes. 

10. Isn't it kinda self obsessed / narcissistic to give yourself a fake interview/FAQ thing?

Yeah lol it's okay though I feel like future me is gonna have a LAFF reading this.

Okay jokes aside, I'm quite content with life at the moment. I've been going to industry workshops in Egham and I've learnt so much about sets!! And setting up sets!!! And when you turn on a light it's called STRIKING!!!! Also the fuzzy thing on a mic is called a dead cat. I'm not too happy about that one. I think FUZZY would have been a better name. Or FUZZBALL. Probably not fuzzball on second thoughts.

Mood check: I feel very happy when I'm working or learning. For the first time in awhile, I don't feel stagnant. I feel driven and motivated. Amazing the difference a year can make, eh? I think back to my headspace last year and I'm so much better now.

*** This post was written on Nov 15th 2019. 

:)

Why I want to have Wes Anderson's babies

I mean, if he wasn’t already dating Juman Malouf, I totally would

There are many reasons as to why I think Wes Anderson is the Jesus of modern day cinema. I reckon I can easily write a 10,000 word essay on how Wes Anderson films are so visually stunning they make me want to lie down and cry for 3 days, but I’ll probably save that for another day.

So as we know, Wes Anderson films aren’t just notorious for their bright colours *cough* The Grand Budapest Hotel *cough*, but they also encompass a quirky sense of order. Things are centered, squared, and balanced. It’s fairly safe to say that symmetry comes naturally to his style. When watching his films, one might notice that every shot resembles an illustrated page of a book. I mean, every scene is perfectly focalised and positioned with such stunning consistency, which probably can only be pulled off by an eminently dexterous superhuman or God himself/herself (I believe in equality).

So this extremely adept asshole employs the coupling of handsomely coloured scenes with an unmistakable emphasis on equilibrium, which stylistically epitomises a real life picture box in the best way possible. Anderson’s inherent love of symmetry is evident in all of his shot compositions. Elements of this can be noted in all of his early films, and this initial obsession has -cut to present- unquestionably flourished into a full-blown mania. I mean, you damn well know that this guy can’t thwart the cold embrace of bilateral prop and character arrangement. In fact, this is fairly apparent in Bottle Rocket and Rushmore, and has progressively become more and more prevalent as Anderson’s inhuman filmmaking prowess blossoms more and more each day. (Can you tell how in love with him I am?)

To illustrate my point, I found a video by filmmaker Kogonada, who put together a supercut of nearly 100 scenes from Anderson’s films, and edited in a dotted line down the middle of the screen to show how Anderson has framed everything symmetrically. You can clearly see how half the shots Anderson uses are roughly symmetrical, and the rest that aren't have a symmetrical central point. I love the balance that he incorporates in every still (i.e. if a character or piece of furniture is on the left, there's another character/piece of furniture on the right) He rarely shoots at an oblique: everything's almost entirely at a 90 or 45-degree angle, which pulls beautifully together stylistically.

And if this isn't reason enough to want to bare a middle aged Texan's child, then I really don't know what is.

-Alysha x

What I take away from all of this

Remember warm weather and that particularly long road trip to Jennie’s beach house? We were all cooped up in the back of my Chrysler watching Silence of the Lambs, making jokes to take away from the seriousness and suspense of the film. It was bright that day, sun beams flickering through the window and sunshine spilt out all around us. We were all smiles and laughs and "oh don't go down in that basement alone you stupid bitch!" and I'd hate to remember it any other way.

Or perhaps you might remember going to Rockwell’s cinema together every Friday back in year 9. I think we called it our “Friday Night Tradition” or something. 

I’ve always liked the idea behind Cinemas. A group of people sitting in a room, laughing and crying at a movie together. 

The comfort of strangers. 

And to this day, the smell of freshly buttered popcorn and overpriced coke is still my favourite. Because it reminds me of the time we had to lie about my age so that I could be allowed in to watch American Virgin, and that time Helena had to buy new shorts because she saw someone from our school (I still don’t get it). And let’s not forget that time we watched the Last Exorcism only to realise what a horrible mistake we’ve made 4 minutes into the movie.

But really, because it reminds me of all of us, together, and how we just started out as a bunch of strangers.

Thanks for giving me so much to remember. 

Flashing lights and loud music.

My friends and I recently went to a bigfish event & I'm quite impressed that I managed to actually take some decent shots of the night. *Pats self on back* The effects on the photos came out pretty cool as well, if I do say so myself. I only needed to edit them a bit.  

Contemplating on getting these developed. 

On a side note, it was such a fun night. Well, the parts I remember were fun anyway. 

-alysha.

Snow Patrol Photo Diary

In short, this is what happened. Kinda:

So, I get a message from my friend saying, "Come to the Snow Patrol concert"
And I say, "No,"
And he says, "Such a killjoy. Why not?"
And I say, "I'm broke,"
And then, the next morning, I get a message saying,

"I got you a ticket. Oh, and I'm on my way to pick you up,"

Ok, so I may have shortened the story to make it seem more dramatic...

 Back when I had red hair.

I really did have fun with both my friends. Except, I now owe one of them 5000. He said I don't have to pay him back, but, I mean, c'mon.

(hehe i love you brandt)
-alysha

The real reason why I can't sleep.

I tell people its because of school work or because of tests and that I have to stay up late. Really, its because I just can't.

I love those long minutes when I am alone with nothing but my pillow. There is nothing to disrupt my chain of though.

So I think. A lot.

Sometimes, I think about life. Sometimes, I think about God. Sometimes, I think about who I want to be. And sometimes, I think about ferrets. As you can see, it varies a lot.

I think too much. I can't help it.
My room is so still, so quiet. And my mind is so loud.

I hate it, a bit. All the thinking brings up things that I'd rather not think about. And its weird, because once I start thinking, I just can't stop.


I don't want to get into it though. That'll mean I'll have to think about it, and like I said, once I start, I can't stop.

Kinda like alcohol to an alcoholic who has just relapsed.

Such a bad analogy.

Am I even making sense? Its really late guys, excuse my stoner mind. I'll go back to counting stars now, and waiting to fall asleep.

This definitely is a weird post.




love, and love again,
alysha.

I really should be studying.

So recently, I have been experimenting with black and white photography, which I never really used to like. I don’t know, I guess I just want to try out something new. Here are some of the pictures I have taken.

Anyway, my friend Maxine found out about this blog a few days back. (She found it by googling my name, which isn’t at all creepy) And I was trying to keep this site a secret! So thanks Maxine. Thanks a lot.  

I can't write much now because I have a psychology and chemistry test tomorrow. As you can see, I've made great use of my time by writing out this post! 

love, and love again,

alysha

Future

So I have been very busy with school lately. Apart from the colossal amount of schoolwork and projects, I went crazy and signed up for 3 extra-curriculars, not counting Drama. Lets just say it’s all very hectic for me right now.

So anyways, today in art, me and my friend Kathy were talking about our future. About what we wanted to do. Who we wanted to be. Where we wanted to go. It was all good fun, planning out the rest of our lives at the back of our sunlit art room, where we have this huge table all to ourselves. I was talking to her about a Drama school that I wanted to attend and what I was taking for my A-Levels. And she was talking to me about her animation course and the university she was going to next year. 

We're both 15. And we are so sure about what we want to do. But at the same time, we aren't. And that is what confuses me so much. There are too many things that we don't know about ourselves, too many things that are left undecided. And yet, we are all still expected to step out of our nests and grow up. Its all just happening too fast for me. 

Because, secretly, I don't want to go to University or New York. And I don't to take my A-levels. And I don't want to take film acting and photojournalism. I just want to stay in the present, and never leave. The future is foggy and hazy. Everything is so ambiguous, so unknown. Whereas in the present, I am sitting on a table overlooking my garden. When I look out, I see the bright summer's sun, sending beams of light that flicker and bounce off the roof of my neighbour's house. There are birds chirping away cheerfully. And both my dogs are outside, resting away by the shade. Their eyes are full of sleep as they lightly doze off. 

I hope you can understand why this is so hard and confusing. Right now, I live in the Philippines. Everything is warm and wonderful, which is why it is so difficult to leave. I don't know what will happen in 5 years time. Whether I'll be in University or working as an actor or homeless. I want to know, but I'll never be able to find out unless I actually live through the next five years (which is what I see now as 'the future'). And that's the scary part. 

But at the same time, I am so so excited. 

All I know is.

I'm going to make the most out of my life. 

I'm going to be an actor.

I'm going to help people to the best of my ability.

I'm going to make a positive impact.

I'm going to accomplish amazing things. 

I'm going to be happy.

Hopefully this all makes sense. Because I don't even know anymore. 

love, 

alysha